Chasing Happiness

I had graduated high school, and was working third shift. I spent my time reading the Bible, finding the right church, serving in my aforementioned retreat, and testifying for the wonders Jesus had done for me. I didn't date a lot, but when I found someone I clicked with, it got heavy emotions real quick.

Her name was Dani, she was Evangelical, and I thought I was going to marry her. I had been out of school for about a year and a half at that point. Dani told me that she'd been accepted into the Christian University of some notoriety halfway across the US. She wanted me to join her - she was going to use the dorm for the first year, and told me if I came next year we could get a place together.

Maybe a part of it was love, but I think a part of it was perhaps trying to escape my parents. A ready made role to easily fall into. I didn't see them much, with sleeping during the day and being out while they slept. I told them I decided on what I wanted to pursue in college, Eschatology - the study of biblical prophecy. And I asked them for financial help.

They said they never really thought I would go to college - and so they hadn't saved anything. I had to take a moment for that emotionally. I tried financial aid next, but couldn't qualify for anything worthwhile. Dani & I tried the long-distance dating game, but it fell through as she started to party and prioritize me less.

Another year or so later, a long time love interest (Winnie) had become single, and she was able to help me complete my Financial Aid Form properly, and I was admitted into my local college. I was going to pursue teaching. The first day of Fall Semester, Winnie picked me up at 7 AM. As my Mom saw me off, she commented "If a girl was doing all that for me, I'd marry her."

2 years later, and after a Pre-Marital Counseling Class offered by the Catholic Diocese, I did. The abuse started, and I managed to convince myself it was always the last time. The next time I would leave for certain. But next time always found a reason to stay, to forgive, to endure.

There were reasons why I couldn't leave, due to financial hardship I was the only one working somehow, and I had my health issues to contend with. Her parents had money & power, and I worried about being on the receiving end of it. I started storming out of the house, before a panicked guilt-trip call from her made me come back home every time.

We'd go to Church, she was Catholic, and I was a self professed follower of christ. I truly believed the bible, and knew what it said about anyone who married & then divorced. They were a filthy, heathenous adulterer. No matter the circumstances. I was called to forgive Winnie by jesus. Even if I left Winnie, I would have to face a lifetime of loneliness, or act on my sinful impulse of wanting to be with another person. I didn't want to burn in hell for chasing happiness. After all, I had told countless people just because sin is an option doesn't mean you have to choose it. My own words were bitter.

As far as I could tell, it was my sin to commit. That was the reason jesus had died for me among other reasons - he knew I would commit adultery, and he loved me anyway. But then I would argue, a person truly saved does not accept christ then choose to live in sin! Which is what I would be doing every single day I was with anyone other than what the church viewed as my spouse for all time.

Eventually, after discovering a year's long lie that had directly put me into a life or death situation, I left and simply asked the lord to forgive what I had done. She fought it for a while, but when it became clear, we divorced. There were scary times, but I was at least free from her. I had to start all over.

During that process of recovery, I strove to be a better Christian. Knowing that I had a lot to make up for, and that there are no amount of works that could possibly make me worthy of his forgiveness. But I'd be damned if I didn't try.

I ended up teaching Sunday School to children for a period of time. I cannot make up for the contributions I made to teaching children about Moses, Noah, Jesus, and the rest of myth.

Things continued much this way until around 2018. I'd met my true love, had kids, attended church and was heading towards a life I'd always dreamed of. I finally started to feel safe, and in that safety, a nearly extinguished flame sparked back to life.

At my Mega-church of that time, worship & praise was a huge component of our service. It took around 18-25 minutes to get through most of the time, and I say 'get through' because even at my hardest belief, I never sang aloud in Church, only in my head.

The Pastor chose that day to talk about how we worship, and how we ought to show thanks to the lord. He asked if we knew why we raised our hands open to the skies in praise of god - and of course we were christians, we never considered such a thing. We just did it.

He said, that motion was called a "Yadah." He went on to state how important it was in Psalms that it was mentioned dozens and dozens of times, and how not doing the Yadah was basically not an option.

I wondered, if not doing a hand motion was not giving the proper glory to god according to him, then what of me not singing out loud?

I considered the whole concept absolutely stupid, and simply wrote it off. It occurred to me, there were many things about Christianity that were ludicrous. My aunt had a bible with "strange facts" in it. One of the facts was a man used a rock as a pillow! Jonah lived in a Whale's belly! They were kids' stories, I reassured myself.

But in that resurfacing safety, I had let in a criticism of Christianity. I prayed as I felt old questions clawing their way to the surface. Every flood starts with a single raindrop. The monsoon arrived in the spring of 2020, and brought with it the final destruction of my faith.